Stephen Baldwin's Personal Assistant Promoted To Stephen Baldwin

After two years of performing management and coordination tasks at an "exceptional level," Stephen Baldwin's personal assistant, Matthew Phillips, was rewarded for his efforts when he agreed to take over the position of Stephen Baldwin Thursday. "We really wanted to hire from within for this opening, and Matthew was a natural choice," said publicist Melina Disanto, adding that the 33-year-old Phillips is the first person who comes to mind when she thinks of Stephen Baldwin. "Although this new position doesn't come with a pay raise or more benefits, it actually has fewer responsibilities than Matthew's old job." According to Stephen Baldwin sources, Stephen Baldwin applied for the Stephen Baldwin personal assistant position but was turned down.

The Onion