Women might be a mystery to men, we all admit that, but, in order for us to get along well, there are a few things that they should know about men too:
- If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
- When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
- Unless the answer is yes.
- In which case, can he videotape it?
- Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.
- Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.
- Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.
- It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.
- If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
- The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
- Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
- Don’t hog the covers. Really.
- If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.
- “Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
- Money does not equate love. Not even in
- If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
- Of course he wants another beer.
- The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.
- Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr….
- He does not want to be just friends.
- Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
- He was not looking at that other girl.
- Well, okay… maybe a little.
- Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…
- He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
- Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
- If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.
- Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
- It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
- Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
- Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I meantion Love it?
- Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
- Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
- He heard you the first time. Honest.
- You know, you can ask him out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.
- Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
- Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.
- Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
- His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
- Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that…
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